Oneitis – Everything You Need To Know

by Veikko Arvonen // January 5 // 0 Comments

Changes are you’ve had oneitis. Especially if you’re using your precious time to read this post. Or, maybe you’re just interested in educating yourself. Either way, I’m happy to have you here!

In this post, I’ll break down everything you need to know about oneitis. What it is, what causes it, and how to cure and prevent it. Trust me, oneitis can fuck you up pretty badly. The good news is, it doesn’t have to be that way. You can even turn it to your advantage with some work!

Sounds good? Take a nice position and enjoy!

What is oneitis

Oneitis is a phenomenon where you form an unhealthy obsession with a single woman. When you’re experiencing it, you’re not thinking clearly. She’s your everything. You see her as a Goddess. 

Every time she gives you attention, you’re in ecstasy. Every time she ignores you, you freak out. She’s in control of your mood and emotional balance.

“But wait? Isn’t being in love a good thing?” Sure, love feels great, but an unhealthy obsession doesn’t. Especially if you’re in the early stages of dating. Obsessing over a single woman makes you needy, which makes you unattractive. On top of that, you’ll encounter tons of headaches and stress. Probably a nasty heartbreak too.

Oneitis means that she’s your everything. You obsess over her and can’t stop thinking about her. Losing her is your worst nightmare. And that’s likely to happen if you put her on a pedestal.

So, it’s wise to prevent oneitis by remembering some basic principles. And if you have one, now it’s a good time to start curing it. Being in love is often a good thing, but oneitis is a toxic, overwhelming version of it that you should avoid.

What causes oneitis?

To understand oneitis completely, you must know what causes it. We all have different experiences with women and luck, but some universal phenomena make you vulnerable.

Lacking a backbone

When I say lacking a backbone, I mean a variety of different things. You may have some negative beliefs about yourself and women. There may be something in your life you should take care of.

Oneitis can be caused by a very simple reason: you don’t have your shit together. For example, some people live in a matrix where they believe that once they find a girl, they’ll be happy. They don’t have an interesting enough life to keep them satisfied.

If you have barely any friends, no goals, purpose, hobbies, etc, becoming obsessed with a girl is quite likely. Some guys anchor their self-esteem and happiness on their relationship status or body count. That’s a stupid thing to do. Why? Because you become NEEDY for external validation. You’re not in your core. Your vibe is out of your control.

This can also occur in another way: you keep putting pussy on a pedestal. You treat women like Goddesses and sacrifice everything for them. In other words, you’re simping. That’s when it’s very easy to get oneitis.

One thing you can ask yourself to find out if this is you is this: Do you NEED a woman to be happy? Obviously, we all want to feel love but you should never NEED a specific woman in your life. That’s a very unattractive trait and fucks up your changes. 

Women are not into guys who need them to be happy. It signals that you’re not OK with yourself and don’t have too many great things in life.

The key is to WANT to date someone but never NEED them. If she doesn’t respect you, etc, be ready to walk away. There are some ways you can avoid this problem:

  • Design a lifestyle that’s great even when you’re single.
  • Have more options, and meet more people.
  • Develop goals that excite you and keep you busy.

The best way to avoid oneitis in the first place is to keep your shit together.

Negative beliefs

Our beliefs determine a lot of our lives. Beliefs are thoughts, values, and insights we’re very certain of. Often, they become our reality.

You may have negative beliefs about dating and yourself that make you vulnerable to oneitis. If you believe you’re not worth dating, it’s very easy to become needy. Confidence is a very attractive trait for a man.

Some people anchor their self-esteem to their dating life, which is an absolutely moronic belief. This can include boasting about your one-night stands or “competing” with your ex. If you believe that your accomplishments with women determine your manhood, you’re in serious trouble.

Fixing your beliefs is essential to avoid oneitis. More about that later.

Modern culture/environment

Oh boy, the modern world has many things that promote oneitis. That’s why I’m going to share a few to help you to prevent it.

Firstly, there’s online dating. According to Business Of Apps, 75% of Tinder users in 2022 are men. Women, on average, are way more picky in Tinder.

This means that as a man, you need to stand out much more. You need to have better pictures and a better text game. It’s supply and demand. Women have way more options so they get to choose. Let alone the fact that they have so much demand in real life!

With this scarcity and online dating booming, it’s easy to get needy. In online dating, people judge you superficially based on a few pictures of you.

Instagram is full of pictures of half-naked girls making you extremely horny. Social media is designed to make you addicted. When you spend your time scrolling there, it’s easy to become obsessed. 

Then there’s Onlyfans… One thing I admire about its creators is that they don’t give a dam what people think about them. But have you thought about what does it to guys?

Getting the exclusive 60% discount, private videos and fake relationships is only a few clicks (and bank transaction) away. Going out there and meeting women can be tough, so it’s tempting to use 15$ to fulfill your sexual desires from your own bed, right?

But imagine this? What’s your motivation to put yourself out there after you’ve already accomplished that goal? A certain part of your brain doesn’t know the difference. When you beat your meat, your brain rewards you with dopamine, which is a hormone that controls motivation.

The Onlyfans culture pushes you to simp and spend your hard-earned cash for all kinds of virtual pleasure. Sexual desire is the force that keeps this species alive, so it’s strong. Very strong. It’s an amazing marketing tool, and Onlyfans knows how to use it.

After wasting money, shattering your self-esteem, ruining your motivation, and ending up with literally loads of wasted potential, oneitis is on its way.

How to know if you have oneitis

To figure out if you have oneitis, you need to ask yourself some important questions. You need to figure out if you’re indeed obsessing over a woman.

If she ignores your messages, are you freaking out? Are you overthinking everything she says or does? Would losing her mean the end of the world? Especially if you got nothing serious yet.

If you’ve developed an unhealthy obsession, you have oneitis. If you keep thinking and worrying about her all the time, you have oneitis. It’s important to admit it to yourself so you can start to deal with the problem.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of it. We’re humans. We have emotions. And sometimes we get carried away.

Here are some great questions you can ask. The more “yesses” you score, the more likely you have oneitis. 

  • Do think about her obsessively all the time?
  • Would losing her mean the end of the world?
  • Rather than enjoying being in love, are you afraid of screwing things up?
  • Are you overthinking everything? “She hasn’t opened my message in two hours! Is she OK?” “She didn’t answer with an emoji. Is she mad?”

I remember when I had oneitis when I was 15. I would literally Google the meaning of a certain emoji she used. That’s how fucked up it can get.

Oneitis vs. healthy emotions

How does oneitis separate from healthy emotions? This is crucial to understand if you want to figure out your situation. Having a crush or being interested in someone is generally a GOOD feeling.

Instead of being afraid to lose her, you enjoy the opportunity that you have. It’s always nice to get her attention, but losing it is not a big deal. If she ignores you, you just focus on your own life and goals.

Being interested in someone in a healthy way means that you can only win. If you don’t succeed, you just stay in the same situation. If yes, even better! If you get friend-zoned, you’ll be OK with that after a while. The key is to figure out the difference between an interest and an obsession.

How to cure oneitis

OK, now it’s time for the rubber to hit the road. If you’ve read this far, you may suffer from this toxic obsession. Luckily, there are a few things you can do to fix it.

Depending on the severity, it takes more or less effort, but it’s completely possible. And very, very rewarding. Obsessing about a woman is something that throws a man into a negative spiral and has nasty consequences.

Limit the interactions

If you obsess about someone, it’s useful to be less in contact. Sometimes, it may be a good idea to cut off all contact for a while. Neglecting this principle caused me YEARS of headaches so I’m not saying this lightly.

Every time something reminds you of her, you strengthen the emotional patterns that are working against you.

Your brain needs time to rewire itself. Over time, you start to think clearly again. She’s not that special. She’s not the only girl in the world. She’s not your only one.

If you still have chances with her, stop putting so much effort. Do other great things and give her some time. This is how you stop pushing her away. If you keep bombarding her with messages 24/7, you’ll stay needy.

If you’ve broken up or it’s otherwise time to move on, do so. That’s when you should cut off all contact. Mute her social media, stop messaging her and stop stalking her. It’s time to focus on yourself.

Develop healthy beliefs about women

If you have oneitis, you probably also have negative beliefs about women. You believe that there’s only one girl that can make you happy, and that’s hurting you a big time. The truth is, there are so many people in the world. You just have to get to know them to realize how awesome they are.

All the little things about her make you believe that there’s no one like her, although there is. You just haven’t found out those little things yet. There are billions of women, so why ruin your life because of one?

Secondly, don’t anchor your self-esteem to your success with women. Only losers brag about their body count or latest one-night stand and STD. That’s a stupid way to measure your manhood. Sure, high-value men tend to have lots of options, but that’s only half of the picture.

Some guys settle down with the first girl they have, even if they don’t like her. Some guys get wasted every weekend and take home whoever they can. Some guys make mistakes and have personal problems that drain their energy. Getting laid a lot doesn’t mean that someone is living their best life.

Develop healthy beliefs about yourself

It’s just as important to develop healthy beliefs about yourself to cure oneitis. If you believe that you’re not worth dating or complete when single, you have all kinds of BS in your head that you need to get rid of.

Sometimes people stay single for a long time, fuck up something, or get rejected. If you let those things lower your self-esteem and try to compensate for them by desperately trying to find a girlfriend, you’re in trouble.

Treat yourself with all respect because you deserve it. We all have flaws, so why blame yourself for having them? Got rejected? At least you took your shot! Did you scare a girl away by being needy? Cool, use those lessons to be better next time!

It’s stupid to convince yourself that someone is out of your league. Sure, an overweight, lazy person who doesn’t have goals may not be able to date a supermodel, but it’s a lot about your mentality.

Guys who believe they’re worth dating have more success because confidence is very attractive. No matter what someone’s Instagram says, nobody’s perfect. Even supermodels have their flaws and something they dislike in themselves. They just don’t like sharing it. Do you share all your flaws with everyone? Exactly.

How to change your beliefs

Let’s say you have a certain negative, dating-related belief. Like: “I’ve been single for two years, which means I’m a desperate loser. This makes me worse than my friends who are dating.” As you guessed, someone with this belief is likely to suffer from oneitis.

Ask yourself, “Why does it make me worse?” You’ll probably encounter some stupid excuses like “This means I’m not worth dating.”

The key is to challenge those beliefs and self-reflect. Figure out why did that happen. Maybe your ex cheated on you and you tried to find someone else quickly to prove something. Maybe this caused you chronic anxiety that prevented you from being charismatic and present in your social life.

If your life is not where you want it to be, it’s because you have made a mistake and not taken the lesson. In this case, the mistake was to anchor your confidence to your relationship status, which made you needy. It also caused problems with your mental health that hurt your dating life.

Once you’ve figured out the reasons, reframe your belief in a positive way and search for evidence to support it. Something like this:

“I’ve been single for two years because I was needy after my ex cheated on me.”
“Getting cheated sucked and I didn’t know about oneitis, so I tried to solve my problem the wrong way.”
“I made this mistake because I’m a human. Humans make mistakes and I lacked the knowledge.”
“I’m going to take this lesson and use it to my advantage. This incident will take my confidence and dating to the next level!”
“After the work is done, I’m grateful for my struggle because it made me level up myself.”

Suddenly, you’re not ashamed of that fact. You become secure with the mistake you did, and excited because it helps you to improve yourself. Suddenly, getting cheated on and being single is a good thing!

When you challenge your negative beliefs you’ll find a way to reframe them into positive ones. To let this sink in, you need to constantly remind yourself about it. This is how new beliefs are born over time. To add rocket fuel to this, implement good habits that support that belief and prove it.

Your beliefs become new actions. Next time someone calls you out for being single, you tell them that you’ve had some work to do with yourself that hurt your dating life. If you believe it, you don’t care if people don’t get it instantly. The positive response from others will strengthen that belief even more!

You probably have lots of BS beliefs like “She’s my only one.” “I need to find someone asap.” “I’m not worth dating because of XYZ.” Execute this process with all of them.

Meet more people

Meeting new people is a great way to relieve your oneitis. This gives you physical evidence that she’s not the only one. You’ll get out of your head and it’s easier to move on.

Don’t worry if it doesn’t help right away. It takes time to form a deep connection with someone. One-night stands and hookups are not the ultimate solutions, but they definitely help! You notice that there are millions of women who can provide you similar experiences.

Just make sure you’re not becoming desperate for validation. If that’s the case, you probably need some time to form new beliefs and get out of your head. In other words, don’t be a simp. This leads me to the next point.

Develop a purpose (Something to obsess about)

If you find it hard to not obsess about a woman, try to obsess about something else. This means developing a sense of purpose. A goal or vision that inspires you. Something that rips you out of your bed in the morning and fills your dreams in the night.

When you have a project or a goal that inspires you, you become too busy to worry about little inconveniences.

Your crush started dating? – So what, I got better things to worry about.
Been single for two years? – That’s OK. My purpose gives me the same sense of fulfillment as dating someone.

When you’re excited about making tiny daily improvements toward your goal, problems naturally start to fix themselves. Suddenly, you don’t need a certain woman to be happy because you find that fulfillment elsewhere.

Your purpose can be anything from building a business to getting jacked, as long as it excites you. It can also change. The most important thing is to have something else to obsess about than another person.

Develop an interesting lifestyle

There’s this saying that a woman is like a protein shake after a workout. It’s not necessary but makes it even greater. If the workout isn’t great, the shake is irrelevant. This workout represents your life.

A great way to cure oneitis is to design a lifestyle that’s great even without her. There’s probably some inner work to do with your beliefs, but actions get you the results. On top of that, women find it attractive if you have goals, ambition, and great things in your life.

Before expecting to have a queen, you must make sure that your kingdom is a place where someone wants to join. An interesting lifestyle may include:

  • Hobbies you enjoy
  • Spending time with your friends
  • Having studies/job that you’re interested in
  • Having a bigger mission/purpose
  • Exercising
  • Educating yourself
  • Taking care of your mental health
  • Chilling out and doing cool things
  • Meeting potential partners at parties/online

Slowly but surely, implement these building blocks into your lifestyle. Over time, your small efforts add up to huge results. When you have goals that excite you, hobbies you love, and plans with your friends, when simultaneously applying for a new job you love, it’s easy to forget a single woman.

These radical changes don’t happen overnight, but they will come. Just focus on something that you can do TODAY for them. Results take care of themselves as long as you take care of executing the process.

How to prevent oneitis

how to prevent oneitis

In a nutshell, preventing oneitis comes down to the same principles as curing it. It’s just easier to prevent than cure the existing one. Make sure you have other great things in life too and don’t put women on a pedestal. Don’t become obsessed because she’s not the only one.

Have the guts to take distance or walk away if you have to. Disappointments, stress, and not knowing what to do are all OK. Just don’t become obsessed. In other words, if you have your shit together, you shouldn’t have oneitis.

Put yourself first and let things happen naturally. Stick to your boundaries and never give up your principles. The more you work on yourself, the easier dating gets.


There you have it. My guide to oneitis. I hope you found this post useful. I certainly would have years ago. So, if this is you, keep going. Read the most useful parts again if you have to. Oneitis can be nasty but it’s something that you can cure. Even better if you avoid it in the first place.

As always, if you have any questions, feel free to ask. I’ll see you next time!

Veikko Arvonen is a blogger with a burning passion for self-development. In his blog, he shares battle-tested tips to become more confident, charismatic, attractive, and happier. Back in time, he got tired of being at the lower end of the pecking order and decided to change. Now, you can learn his lessons from this blog.