How To Love Yourself After A Break Up – 20 Essentials

by Veikko Arvonen // December 16 // 0 Comments
How to love yourself after a break up

“How to love yourself after a break up?” You may be asking yourself.

We’ve all been there. A while ago everything was OK. Things we’re great with your significant other. You were having fun, enjoying yourselves, and doing great things together. Maybe things were serious, or maybe you were just deep in love.

Now, however, tears are running down your cheeks. Your confidence is shattered. It feels like an essential part of your life has been violently ripped away. Maybe you saw it coming. Or maybe it was a brutal surprise that shocked you.

Whatever it is, here’s the truth. Breaking up sucks. Since you’re reading this article, you’re maybe in that situation. The good news is, you’re in a right place. I’ve suffered several heartbreaks too, so I feel you.




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Today, I’ve put together 20 things you can do to love yourself after a break-up. Better yet, you can turn the break-up to your advantage and come back stronger. In this article, you’ll learn things you should do and things you shouldn’t do based on my several years of experience in improving myself.

Alright, let’s get started.

1 Accept your emotions

Just like with any intense emotions, it’s important to feel them, accept them, and eventually get rid of them. It may be a tough thing to do, but it’s extremely rewarding. During the first couple of days, it’s crucial to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

The harsh truth is that life has beaten you to the ground. Before you can get up, you’ll need to accept it. Take time to process your emotions and let deal with them. It’s OK to cry, swear, or do anything that helps you.

Part of accepting your emotions is channeling them somehow. It’s painful, but you’ll find yourself feeling much better afterward. Remember, the first night is the worst. The second day is still pretty nasty, but things start getting better. You may feel low for a while, but that’s OK. Just accept it, feel your emotions, and focus on the other tips.

2 Cut off contact (Seriously)

If you want to love yourself after a break-up, you need to get rid of things that cause you to have negative vibes. Yes, your ex is one of them. 

Cut off all the contacts IMMEDIATELY. Take distance, mute them in social media, don’t send messages. Remove even the slightest triggers that remind you of him or her.

Talking to your ex is not a good idea. It’s like pouring salt into a wound. You’re not letting it heal. It’s very hard to focus on yourself, your life, and things that matter if you’re constantly interacting with a person who messes up emotions.

“But isn’t it good to be friends?” Yes, it’s a good idea to clean up any mess or make up any arguments, but interacting regularly, no. When you’re acting like friends, the heartbroken will wish that you could get back together. This often happens on an unconscious level, but it’s real. You’re hoping for too much, and that’s going to hurt you eventually.

Cut off all the contact because that’s the best thing to do. If he or she asks why just tell them that you need some space. Nothing personal. If they’re smart, they’ll get it. 

3 Don’t blame yourself

When breaking up, it’s easy to start overanalyzing every action you took or word you said. Finding little mistakes and blaming yourself is often a result.

But here’s the thing. You shouldn’t take it personally. Often, it’s just the circumstances and external factors that cause your relationship to fail. Rather than taking it personally, consider it an unexpected incident. That’s how it’s much easier to love yourself after a break-up.

What if you messed up something seriously? Like cheating on your partner? If this is the case, you obviously need to learn a lesson. However, we’re humans, so we make mistakes. What determines us, is how we react to them. If you committed a mistake, admit it, apologize, and fix it as well as possible. This restores your dignity.

After a break-up, figure out what caused it. See what you can learn about it and take the lessons to perform better next time. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

4 Treat your body well

Your body and mind are connected. When the body is feeling great, so is the mind. And vice versa. If you want to love yourself after a break-up, it’s a good idea to utilize your biology. Thus, taking care of your physical body is important.

Taking care of the basics of health and fitness isn’t rocket science. It comes down to three fundamentals.

  • Eat mostly healthily. Eat whole foods, maintain a regular meal schedule, and have a diverse diet to get all the nutrients you need.
  • Exercise regularly. Gym, jogging, or any sport is great.
  • Sleep 7-9 hours per night. (Depending on your personal needs)

Having a healthy lifestyle doesn’t have to be difficult. You don’t have to have a perfect diet or anything like that. Mastering the basics of health and fitness does 90% of the work.

If you want to put more effort into those things, feel free to do so. The main point is that when your body feels great, it will affect your mood and self-esteem.

5 Love yourself after a break up but don’t compare

Comparing may feel like a good thing to do, but it’s not. Some part of us will always get a nice buff of pleasure when you’re performing better than your ex.

However, as a confident person, you don’t have to compare. Comparing is a sign of insecurity, and it will retaliate. The moment your ex decides to strike back with something they’re better at, you’re in trouble.

Instead, rise above the pressures and focus on yourself. This will make you look and feel more confident. There’s no reason to compare. You both have strengths and flaws. You both have something you dislike in yourself and you wanted to be better at.

It’s not a competition. Whoever gets laid faster, finds another partner, is in better shape, or anything like that doesn’t matter. Just focus on yourself. Comparing is for losers.

6 Don’t play games

Two years ago, I met my ex in a club. It was hilarious. She was with her new boyfriend and tried to make me jealous. The moment I spotted her, she shoved her tongue into the boy’s mouth. Later, she decided to ask me if I was dating someone. I told her that I didn’t, and she replied with a smirk.

Did I get upset? Hell no. Do you know why? Because her urge to compare and play games displayed severe insecurity. After all, someone who needs to prove something to their ex can’t be confident. She was trying to make me jealous, but it didn’t work.

What’s the lesson here? NEVER play games or try to make your ex jealous. It’s for losers. Any confident person knows that you’re trying to prove yourself and can’t handle your problems if you do so.

This will also retaliate. If you play games, you’ll gain a competitive mindset, that will betray you when your ex performs better at something. Assuming that he or she even cares about your opinion. Again, just focus on yourself, and don’t play games. It’s way easier to love yourself after a break-up that way.

7 Never become needy

If I should mention the biggest mistake there is in dating, it would be neediness. Whether you’re a man or a woman, neediness will seriously hurt your chances and dating experiences.

This tip deserves its place because you’re extremely vulnerable to neediness after a break-up. See, something you love and used to have has been taken away from you, so it’s natural to want it back. This may result in overtrying with other people and even your ex.

Neediness is an unattractive trait, which will destroy your changes and skyrocket your stress levels. Trust me, you don’t want to end up there. Accept the fact that you’re single. It may take a while until you find another partner, so it’s important to learn how to live a happy life as a single. This will also increase your results when you get back to dating.

Luckily for you, the next tips are about being OK with that.

8 How to find yourself after a break up?

Loving yourself after a break up and enjoying life

Finding balance and joy may be hard after a break-up, but ultimately comes down to a few simple things:

  • Maintaining confidence and self-esteem with a proper mentality
  • Creating an exciting and fulfilling lifestyle as a single

Maintaining confidence and self-esteem means that you appreciate yourself regardless of the negative experiences. You don’t compare yourself and you emphasize your strengths.

Creating a fulfilling lifestyle consists of good habits, a deeper sense of purpose, and good relationships with your friends, etc. 

The next tips will focus on these things with more details.

9 Love yourself after a break up by getting out of your head

Getting stuck in your head after a break-up is a common phenomenon. You still recall the memories with your ex. You over-analyze everything they do and you do. This can include spending time dreaming about them, stalking if they have another one, useless comparing, worrying too much, and so on.

Let’s make a thought experiment. When you go skiing, you put on classes that prevent the wind from hurting your eyes. After a while, you get used to the different colored world you see because of the colors of the lenses., and it becomes your reality. However, the actual reality is different.

It’s the same from you’re stuck inside your head. You see the world differently. Everything he or she does feels remarkable. You treat your ex differently than other people.

It’s important to realize that it’s an illusion. You can fix most of this by cutting off the contact, but be aware that you’re not thinking clearly. When thinking about your ex, ask yourself, how would you think if he or she was someone else you know. That’s how you should think about them too.

10 Give yourself time

Emotions are complicated. You may be well aware that you shouldn’t worry about your ex, but you still do. That’s your emotional mind playing tricks. Sometimes, the only cure for this is time. Be OK with the fact that you may need some time to heal.

Emotions may not go away within a week, a month, or even a year. That’s OK. The fastest way to get rid of them and love yourself after a break-up is to follow my tips and focus on yourself.

11 Love yourself after a break up by doing things you love

When it comes to creating an exciting lifestyle, you’ll have to do things that you love. Imagine things you find exciting. Your hobbies, hanging out with your friends, doing sports, anything. Spend time doing these things and you’ll distract yourself from your negative thoughts.

You can also consider trying something new like skydiving. Execute all the crazy dreams you have. Crab a drink in a sky bar, take a vacation on the beach, spend time in a hot tub, and get together with your friends.

Doing these things will remind you that life is awesome, even when you’re single. Trust me, it’s not too hard to build a lifestyle that’s great even without dating someone.

12 Work on other areas of your life

I like to categorize life in a couple of core areas such as:

  • Health and fitness
  • Career/studies
  • Social life/relationships
  • Happiness

Are you improving all these constantly? Do you spend your time educating yourself and working out? Do you have ambitious goals? If not, there’s something to change.

When you constantly improve these areas, your self-esteem will skyrocket. This is how it’s easier to love yourself after a break-up. Improving yourself constantly on these things will eventually put you in the top 1% of performers. Gaining something after losing something feels always great.

13 Eventually get back to dating

There’s a saying that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. This is very true. When you get back to dating, you’ll see that there are so many potential partners and awesome people out there.

Dating other people will start filling the void that your ex has left inside of you. Often, the emotions for your ex will fade when you find someone else you like that way. Your ex may feel like “the one”, but he or she is not. Seeing other people lets that sink in.

But be careful, entering the dating world too soon causes a huge risk of neediness. You also need to be sure that your ex, haunting in your mind doesn’t cause you to lose confidence and take rejections personally.

Again, give yourself time if you need to. When dating, you need to stay cool and think clearly. When getting back there, make sure that your confidence is back with a proper mentality.

14 Focus on yourself

If I had to advise a heartbroken person with one piece of advice, it would be this. Learning to love yourself after a break-up consists mostly of focusing on yourself.

It’s about getting your mentality fixed, dealing with emotions, and creating an exciting lifestyle as a single. When you focus on yourself, you’ll become the best version of yourself, which helps you tremendously.

On top of that, you don’t waste time caring about other people. Focusing on yourself prevents you from playing games with your ex and getting stuck inside your head. That’s because you got better things to do.

Once you reach the point where you’ve improved seriously, you don’t even feel like comparing or dreaming about him or her. Heartbreaks are great sources of motivation for any self-improvement activity, and they usually force you to become a better person. 

Focusing on yourself will eventually fix all the problems that a break-up has caused you. This happens when you improve every area of your life.

15 Self-improvement after a break up

Self-improvement means any activity that improves you somehow. It can be related to fitness and finances, but it’s often related to inner game and happiness. Self-improvement at its finest is when you improve your confidence and shape your mentality.

After all, your mentality will determine how you act in certain situations and therefore is your greatest asset. Break-ups are great situations for self-improvement since there’s often a need for that.

In best-case scenarios, a break-up can be a point in your life where you completely transform yourself. A great place to start is my blog, where I’ve written many self-improvement articles 😉

Self-improvement habits

Here are a couple of habits I recommend i into your life:

  • Work out regularly
  • Work on your studies/career
  • Practice social skills
  • Work on your mindset (Confidence, happiness, etc)
  • Educate yourself by consuming great books and content

16 Utilize the dark motivation

Dark motivation is a powerful source of motivation that pushes you forward more effectively than many other sources of motivation. It’s based on emotions that can be childish, immature, but very powerful.

When you want to make your ex’s new boyfriend jealous by working out and becoming jacked, that’s dark motivation. When you work hard on your new job to make your old boss regret firing you, that’s dark motivation. When you want to make your ex jealous by improving your charisma and dating new people, that’s dark motivation.

“But wait! You shouldn’t compare or play games, right?” That’s true. You shouldn’t. Always remember that shallow traits don’t make anyone a better person.

However, spicing your motivation with those feelings can be a powerful resource, so consider using it sometimes. Just don’t use it too much or let the emotions control you, and you’ll be fine, my friend.

17 Watch a motivational video

Motivational videos are great. I love them. Usually, the people speaking in them are very convincing and can set you in an awesome mood. Don’t believe me? Try them out!

Here’s a great one if you don’t have anything else in mind:

18 Utilize the slight edge

The slight edge is a principle that you can (and should) use when pursuing any goal. At this point, your goal is to improve yourself and love yourself after a break-up.

The slight edge means that instead of going all-in for two weeks and becoming frustrated with your results, you focus on taking small, daily steps towards your goals.

This causes you to reach incredible things without burning out. You leverage the time and let the daily actions add up to huge results over time. Improving yourself just a little bit every day gives you incredible results in a year, even in a few months.

Imagine improving by 1% every day for a year. One to the power of one is one. 1.01 to the power of 365 is almost 38. The math is on your side.

19 Stick to your purpose

Your purpose is a specific goal or a mission that gives a feeling of fulfillment. When you have a desire to chase something bad enough, any inconveniences in your life become irrelevant.

Your purpose can be anything you consider meaningful and rips you out of bed every morning. Elon Musks’ purpose is to reach Mars during our lifetime. Mother Theresa’s purpose was to help as many people as possible. It can be a mission if a lifetime, or just a specific goal, as long as it excites you.

Examples of a purpose

A purpose can be something like:

  • Getting great grades in your studies to get your dream job
  • Becoming the fittest people in your circle
  • Building a million-dollar business
  • Becoming the best version ever of yourself (This used to work for me back in time)

When you’re deeply focussed on your purpose, you don’t care about little inconveniences like comparing to your ex. Everything except the purpose is secondary. This will skyrocket your happiness and confidence,

So, consider creating a sense of purpose. You don’t have to figure it all out at once because it can change. As long as it keeps you inspired, it’s good.

20 Love yourself after a break up with healthy egoism

Healthy egoism? What the hell is that? Let me tell you:

Once you master the basics of self-improvement and confidence, you know that you don’t have to compare. We’re all equal. We have strengths and flaws and nobody is a better person than others.

However, when you learn to think that way, you’ll gain a unique advantage over others. You’re one of the few people who actually spend time improving themselves and mastering their mindset. When you get into self-improvement, you’ll notice that many people don’t spend time doing so. 

On the other hand, you’re just like everyone else. A human with pros and cons. On the other hand, you’re ambition and habits make you step to the next level.

This is what healthy egoism means.


There you have it guys. A 20 part guide on how to love yourself after a break-up and get over heartbreak. It can be a tough journey, but also very rewarding if you take the lessons and execute the tips.

At this point, it’s all about you. It’s your responsibility to put these things into action. Pick the tips that mean most to you and implement them into your life as soon as possible.

And remember, if you’re in pain right now, it will turn to your advantage later. Work on yourself, and thank your ex later.

Veikko Arvonen is a blogger with a burning passion for self-development. In his blog, he shares battle-tested tips to become more confident, charismatic, attractive, and happier. Back in time, he got tired of being at the lower end of the pecking order and decided to change. Now, you can learn his lessons from this blog.